Richard Stallman Breaks Kid Out of iJail; Flees Across State Borders

By Staff Writers

Sensing a young helpless soul bound by the tyranny of non-free software, Richard M. Stallman broke local boy, Timmy Hughes, out of the “iJail” he was confined to, say reports.

Speeding across state borders in his freedom respecting 1970s Toyota Cressida with Timmy Hughes in the passenger seat, Mr. Stallman told the 15 year old upcoming free software fan that he was “truly free now”, no longer forced to live under the roof of his Apple obsessed family.

“They are ‘useds’, Timmy,” Mr. Stallman reportedly told the boy, shifting into another gear and flattening the accelerator. “Apple users are just useds, happily confining themselves to their iJail. By the way, your iThing needs to go. Your family will use their iThings to track your iThing, which means they can track us.” Timmy had protested to Mr. Stallman that it was “just an iPod”, but the GNU founder shook his head and threw the device out of the car window, before driving over it back and forth a few times.

“Will I ever see Mom and Dad again?” Timmy asked. “Or at least Skype them? Wait, that’s non-free software, isn’t it?”

Mr. Stallman nodded. “Very good,” he said. “No Skype. Or as I like to call it, Spype. We might be able to connect your family to a mailing list, if I can get my GNU Hurd system to stop kernel panicking with the eth-multiplexer bug. Or, I guess, there is always good old snail mail.”

“Snail mail? What’s that? Is that free software?” Timmy had asked, to which Mr. Stallman just chuckled as he negotiated a tight bend, throwing the big old steering wheel around with abandon. “Indeed, Timmy, indeed,” he said as they sped off into the sunset.

At press time, the pair were reportedly seen push starting the old Toyota vehicle out of a gas station, with the owner of the business telling reporters, “They had a dead battery, I believe. Wouldn’t buy one off me though, as we don’t deal in cash here anymore, just credit cards.”

The destination of Mr. Hughes and Mr. Stallman is currently unknown, though unconfirmed reports suggest they may be heading for the rumoured secret location known as “St. IGNUtius’ School for Gifted GNUmens”.