"Sorry, I Have a Boyfriend," Linux Tells Microsoft

By Staff Writers

In news sure to devastate fans and slaves of the megacorporation alike, it has been reported that Microsoft has faced a crippling rejection in its advances on Linux.

“Microsoft loves Linux” is the latest catchphrase by the Redmond company as it continues to embrace Open Source. But a spokesperson for Linux says that it was a step too far.

“Well, it hasn’t been well received, let’s say that,” said the spokesperson, who wished to remain memeless.

“It started off some time ago with Microsoft playing a little hard to get, deliberately being a bit mean even. Saying some hurtful things. But then things started getting a bit creepy. Microsoft starting sending little gifts, and appearing in various places Linux happened to be.”

“People found that creepy enough. Then along came the ‘Microsoft Loves Linux’ thing, complete with a love heart emoji and everything. It’s enough to make you barf.”

When it was put to the spokesperson that this isn’t the first time Microsoft has professed a love interest, he was quick to respond. “Yeah, like with Java,” he said. “And look how that turned out. Microsoft stucks their bits in places unwanted and ended up with a lawsuit. The message from Linux is this - ‘sorry, I have a boyfriend’.”

“It’s just like I always tell my teenage daughter,” he added. “I’m like, ‘Honey, you know guys like that only want ONE thing, and it’s three letters long: EEE.’ You know, Embrace, Extend, Extinguish. They act all nice and make you think they care about you and, before you know it, they’re putting their dirty mitts all over you and taking advantage of you. And then they end up treating you like trash as they use you.”

When asked who Linux was really seeing, the spokesperson shook his head and seemed to pause before finally adding: “Who knows, Linux gets around.”