New FreeBSD User Sees Himself as Tech King of the Household

By Staff Writers

Seated upon the “throne” from IKEA that he received as a gift from his mother to help support his back during homework hours, local free software enthusiast, Jonathan Goodspeed, gazed around the room as the light emitting from his newly installed FreeBSD desktop showered him in undisputed glory, say reports.

If Mr. Goodspeed’s name sounds familiar, you may remember the young man recently made headlines after his dabbling in shell scripts.1 Now seemingly moved on to a new hobby, Jonathan Goodspeed believes he’s truly “moved up the tech food chain” and that he’s truly found his final, perfect desktop operating system.

“I’ve moved far beyond even Linux,” he said with a casual smirk as he wrestled with the keyboard, seemingly trying to run Steam, only to be met with a long list of errors. “I run FreeBSD now, a proper complete operating system where everything stays sane and consistent. None of this constantly changing bull crap, no billions of different init systems and stuff. I don’t need Linux at all anymore. Now, if I can just get this compatibility layer going, I’ll get Steam for Linux running…”

Mr. Goodspeed believes he’s now surpassed everyone else in his household, who he labels “pathetic normie corporate controlled slavey plebs”, as they run everyday operating systems such as Microsoft Windows and Apple’s MacOS. “This is the ultimate frontier, really. Even Linux got a bit too popular, to be honest. FreeBSD is like, the new Linux, before it got swamped by the normies,” he continued. “Some of my family members still run Windows. Man, do I feel sorry for them. A couple of them do run MacOS, which, did you know is actually technically kind of a BSD under the hood? But it has all that walled garden stuff on top. It’s like a BSD system for users who like being sexually assaulted by powerful corporations, so it still kinda sucks.”

Latest reports from the Goodspeed household say that despite Jonathan’s seemingly amazing tech knowledge and ever increasing skills, he “doesn’t help out with computer issues very often” because it’s “beneath him”. Reports also say that no one actually likes him very much.