New Firefox Not Nearly Clunky and Insecure Enough for Local Man

By Staff Writers

Lamenting the fact that the new Firefox “Quantum” had made his browsing experience just “too darn fast and shiny”, local man Ricky Hasshat says he wishes for the good old times, complete with single-threaded “blocking” browser windows and random high CPU usages.

“Everyone goes on about how fast and efficient Firefox Quantum is, but completely neglect to mention how it affects my ability to have square, rainbow colored, upside down tabs or a bazillion old extensions that I don’t use anyway,” he told reporters on Sunday. “Security be damned, if I get to have a bunch of obscure functions that no one else would care about, well, that’s all that matters. And RAM? Ha, haven’t you ever heard the whole idea that RAM is meant to be used? What’s the point of a browser that uses so much less memory?”

Although Mr. Hasshat admitted some of these obscure old extensions were “probably coded with all the grace and good practice of a hyperactive monkey on meth”, the added efficiency to his specific workflow meant none of that mattered. “Just think, some of those add-ons probably saved me at least an entire click per day,” he added.

Asked about what the future holds, now that his browsing has just gotten too fast, secure and cool, Ricky Hasshat believes that Chromium may be the only way forward. “At least for now,” he said, sighing and staring off into the distance before adding, “But you just know they’ll catch up to Firefox again and then what am I left with? I dunno, maybe I’ll need to consider Pale Moon as well, but the bit on their website stating ‘focusing on efficiency and ease of use’ kind of concerns me.”