Man Wishes He Could chmod 644 Girlfriend

By Staff Writers

Speaking to reporters on Friday whilst keeping a stern eye on his girlfriend’s Facebook Messenger status, local man Hugo Richards lamented at how easy life was managing a Linux system compared to managing his relationship.

“I’m in full control of my operating system and I know everything that gets installed or stored on it,” he said, with the slightest grimace as he stared at the sudden green ‘online’ symbol light up on his girlfriend’s Messenger profile, before muttering, “God, what’s she up to now?”

Mr. Richards went on to explain that in the computer world, permissions are explicit and an admin could always know what’s going on in the system. “Sometimes,” he said. “I just wish I could chmod 644 my girlfriend, you know? Or maybe even chmod 600, but I wouldn’t want to appear clingy or anything. But right now, I feel like she’s getting around with a chmod 777 applied to her.”

An acquaintance of Mr. Richards, who wished to remain anonymous, says that his friend should look on the bright side: “Old mate Hugo, yeah, maybe he appears a bit paranoid now and then. To be honest, I’m surprised he even has that girl. If she was a program, I reckon he would have had to run ‘sudo will-you-date-me’ on her. Or ‘sudo touch’. Heh. Actually, don’t publish that last part, okay?”

In latest reports, things have apparently spiraled further out of control for Hugo Richards. “She spends less time at home and keeps getting all dressed up and fancy-like, even when she’s supposedly going to work,” he said. “Man, she’s like Windows, doing shit in the background that you don’t know about. I have no idea what’s going on in that mind of hers.”

“Why can’t women come with the source code included?!” he added finally, with visible anguish.