Local Man Seriously Reconsidering Relationship After Finding Girlfriend Using Nano

By Staff Writers

Even though his entire world was “falling down all around him”, local man, Eli Tistprik, remained strong and seemingly full of resolve as he spoke to reporters on Sunday. Mr. Tistprik said that his 7 year relationship with his girlfriend, Andrea, was facing serious problems.

“Honestly, I’ve always felt Andrea was the ‘one’, you know?” said Mr. Tistprik. “But then one day, recently, everything about us just became a blurry mess of hellish crap. I walked in as Andrea was tapping away at some text document, and I kid you not, the bitch was using Nano. NANO! I instantly knew then that we were gonna have issues.”

Eli Tistprik then proceeded to inform reporters, in between alternating flustered bursts of rage and deep heavy breathing as he visibly held back tears, about how “noob” GNU Nano is and how the entire event made him feel worse than even the time he found out Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street actually did, in fact, die.

“I was happy to stay quiet through some of our lower times, like the time I found Andrea trying to source a swastika shaped love toy,” continued Mr. Tistprik. “Or the time I came home and found her in a bit of a flustered state with my best mate, Richy, for some reason. Oh, and I guess there was also that time she tried to cut my father’s brakes.”

“But to be using Nano, after years of being a Linux user alongside myself? Nah, I’m not copping that! She’s gone too far this time.”

Andrea herself, although unfortunately unavailable for an interview, did wish to comment, saying: “Eli uses Vim much like he approaches love making - clumsy, heavy handed and marred with many flustered expressions as he desperately tries to undo mistakes or get things to work right.”

“Nano might be modeless, but he’s just hopeless. He better be careful or I might execute the GNU Nano equivalent of CTRL+O on our relationship.”